I’m not going to sugar coat it–2017 was a tough year for us. Last December I had surgery and discovered that I had severe endometriosis. So severe that my doctor also had to remove my appendix before it ruptured from all the endometriosis. I also found out that IVF would be our highest chance of being able to get pregnant. So starting 2017 was sad, but after much prayer, I was ready to do whatever it would take to have a baby.
2017 marked three rounds of IVF meds. During the first round at the beginning of May, I had to stop after day eight because my body wasn’t responding. We were able to fully complete the second round and go through with a fresh transfer in July. I started bleeding on our anniversary and our loss was confirmed the next day at the doctor. You can read about that here.
July 18, 2017–pregnant for the first time with twins!
I went through a third round of IVF meds in October and instead of having a fresh transfer, we opted to have our embryos frozen so I could give my body time to fully recover. For those of you who have never gone through an egg retrieval, it’s pretty rough on your body. I remembered how sore and swollen I still was during our transfer in July, so I felt like it would be so much better to let my body rest and recover.
Our next transfer was December 13. We didn’t tell too many people because even though we covet everyone’s prayers, this is a hard situation emotionally to walk through. I was terrified of losing these babies and then having to tell everyone. I needed to be able to protect my heart and wanted to share our news (hopefully good news) in our own time. This time was different than the last. When you deal with fertility issues, I’ve found that you become really in tune with your body. I had cramping two days but we hoped and prayed it was just implantation. I went for my blood test the Friday before Christmas and the nurse called me a few hours later with the news….I wasn’t pregnant any longer.
December 13, 2017–officially pregnant again with two perfect babies
I don’t know if it’s just me or Christians in general, but I feel guilty questioning God. I know that I should trust Him. I know that He is sovereign over everything. I know His plans are always better. But my heart questions why. Why us? Why can’t we get pregnant like everyone else? Everything about this transfer was textbook perfect, and we were so very hopeful.
I wrote in August about how so many of the Psalmists cry out to God in their suffering and pain, but end those same Psalms praising God for who He is–and who He is is good and just and compassionate and loving. Even though my heart still hurts and wonders why we can’t have the babies we pray for and long for, the things that I know about God are sustaining me right now. John 4:24 tells us that “God is spirit, and those who worship him must worship in spirit and in truth.” I know my heart will eventually accept what the Lord has given us, but right now my knowledge of who God is gives me the strength to get out of bed each morning and go throughout my day. This is why it is so important to have good theology (good and solid knowledge of God) when you go through a trial or suffering!
Because of God’s sovereignty over every situation, I came across a blog post a few hours after receiving the bad news. This blogger found out she will never be able to carry her own children and she wrote this about dealing with grief during the holidays:
“Trust that hope will come, and praise Him while you’re waiting. If we waited until we felt like praising God, He’d rarely receive our praise. Sometimes we must choose to praise Him even though our hearts don’t feel like it.”
I’m hopeful as I enter into the new year. God has given Dustin and I such a strong desire to have children that I know He will see that through one day. The waiting is hard and getting harder. But I am choosing to be hopeful this year in that maybe 2018 will be the year God blesses us with a child, and if not, I will still praise Him.
My goal for this blog post is not for you to read this and think, “Man, she’s got it all together” (because I don’t) or “Her faith is so strong” (because it’s not–it’s the Holy Spirit within me). What I hope and pray that you see is God’s goodness and mercy in this situation. He is my strength. He is my provider. He is my joy. So if you’re going through something right now that’s really hard, know that your identity isn’t found in your suffering. I know that my identity isn’t found in being a mother or a wife or a teacher. My identity is found in Christ.
Aside from a special pre-scheduled post tomorrow, I’ll be taking next week off of blogging. I’ve really had to step away from social media this Christmas season because selfishly, my heart hurts when I see pictures of babies or pregnancy announcements, and I really have to guard my heart right now. Thank you to everyone who has prayed for us or sent an email or note of encouragement. We appreciate every single one of you!
“No faith is so precious as that which lives and triumphs through adversity. Tested faith brings experience. You would never have believed your own weakness had you not needed to pass through trials. And you would never have known God’s strength had His strength not been needed to carry you through.” – Charles Spurgeon
My heart breaks(as I'm reading this now) for you both. Infertility is a hard road and I'm so sorry for the miscarriages. I am thrilled for reading updates about you and will be praying.
I know this comment is very delayed but I just found your blog, and reading this post broke my heart. I know this feeling all too well. We went through 2 years of infertility, and found out we were pregnant in December. We sadly lost our daughter in May at nearly 22 weeks gestation. I went into preterm labor and she was too young to have developed strong enough lungs to survive on her own. She lived for almost 2 hours but she ultimately went to be with Jesus on May 2nd. Entering into the holiday season, it’s so hard to think about what our life should have been- it would have been her first Christmas. We will also be entering into the new year grieving. I’m glad that you and your husband found your happy ending with your son Harrison. I hope one day to also be a mother again, in any way that I can be. Thank you for being so honest and open with your journey. I’m sure it has helped many, as it did today for me. Thank you, Sarah.