Why It’s Important to Talk About Adoption the Right Way

This was definitely not the blog post I had planned today–I was planning on recapping my trip to a women’s conference in Indianapolis, but this feels more important to me.

I feel like adoption is becoming more and more common in America, yet the language surrounding adoption conversations is still so backward that I feel like it does more harm than good. For those of you who are new to my blog, we adopted Harrison in 2019. (If you want to read more, scroll down on my blog and on the right under categories, click on adoption.). Because adoption wasn’t something that was openly talked about growing up, I had no idea about the language surrounding adoption until we started to look into adoption for ourselves and I started reading anything and everything adoption related. And once I became a mother who adopted her son, I found this to be EXTREMELY important–especially if I want Harrison to know (and feel) how valued and loved he is.

Here’s why I’m talking about all of this:

We went out to eat Sunday after church for Father’s Day. We were sat at the bar and two older ladies sat down beside us. They asked how old he was and then one lady asked a very insensitive question that shocked me so much. For one, I’m so glad Harrison had no idea what she was asking, but I also realize that won’t last for long. I want to do everything to protect him.

I understand that Harrison looks nothing like me and Dustin. He’s Hispanic and his race is something that we celebrate and praise God for because in our differences, we get to witness God’s creativity in his creation. (And I actually have two books that I recommend for reading that discuss this: God Made Me and You and God’s Very Good Idea and even if you do not have a transracial family, this is something so important to read to your kids–or husband– to teach how beautiful God’s creation is!!!). But I forget that Harrison looks different than us because I just see my baby whom I love so much.

So here are a few things I want to remind everyone because when you really think about it, we’re all made in the image of God–which means we are image bearers–and so we should ALL be treated with respect and love….and that includes the way we approach and talk to people.

-if you ask an appropriate question about the adoption, remember to refer to it in the PAST TENSE. It happened once and is in the past. For example, we ADOPTED Harrison when he was born, not that Harrison IS adopted.

-don’t refer to the birth mom as the “real” mom if you ask a question (which you really shouldn’t because you want to respect the child’s story). I can’t tell you the amount of people who have said something about Harrison’s “real” mom and I quickly reminded them that I am Harrison’s real mom, but the correct term is birth mom. (or real parents = birth parents)

-one of the frequent questions we get is “Why did Harrison’s birth mom give him up?” I’m sure if people really stopped to think about what they just said and how it would make Harrison feel by hearing it, they would rephrase it. But I think the term “GIVE UP” is so normalized in societies where adoption isn’t talked about that people think it’s the right term. His birth mom didn’t give him up, she PLACED him for adoption. Do you see how that changes the connotation from negative to positive?

-don’t ask personal questions about the child’s story. I am open to answering questions about the adoption process, but when it comes to Harrison’s story, I want to protect that as much as I can until he’s old enough to decide if he wants to share it or not, but it’s his choice.

-I know people mean well, but it’s also not really nice to say things like “Harrison is so lucky to have y’all as his parents” because actually we are the lucky ones (and remember that adoption begins with brokenness) or “You know what’s going to happen, now you’re going to get pregnant!” I actually had someone say that to me and it made it sound like getting pregnant was the goal and not only did I feel like that could have been hurtful if Harrison heard and understood, but it also hurt me because I still grieve over what my body cannot do. I ended up making the person who made that comment feel uncomfortable for saying that 🙂

Moral of the story: Words are important. They can build up or they can tear down. I try to show grace to people and remember to love my neighbor as myself (Mark 12:31), but I’m also human and can get my feelings hurt or can get mad if I feel like my child has been offended. Before you say something, please educate yourself on correct language or just don’t say anything at all.

And since we’re in the process to adopt baby #2, you can donate to our adoption fund if you feel led! Here’s how you can help:

PayPal: If you would like to give to our adoption account  using PayPal, after you choose the “Send Money” option, enter in this email address: dshaneyfelt@gmail.com (or @DustinShaneyfelt) and click Next.  Make sure you choose the “Friends and Family” option on the following page so there aren’t any fees associated with your donation.

Venmo: If you would like to give to our adoption account on Venmo, send to @DustinShaneyfelt or dshaneyfelt@gmail.com (Both of these are set up to our adoption account)

We have our first home study visit set up for this weekend, and I’ll be glad to get that checked off the list 🙂

If you read this long, thank you! I know I rambled and there is so much more to say on this topic, but it’s been on my mind since Sunday and I really feel like more people need to be educated on it.