I’m so nervous to share this publically but I’ve felt a nudging sensation that can only be the Lord and the more I push it away the more disobedient I become. I hope that our story points you to God’s goodness in the midst of our suffering.
September of this year will be two years of Dustin and I actively trying to have children. That’s so hard for me to wrap my mind around it because I never thought that we would be a couple that struggles to get pregnant. It’s been hard, but it hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would (until recently) because the Lord has been so gracious to us in this time of suffering. Trusting in God’s plan for our family hasn’t always been the easiest but God is forever good and knowing and repeating that truth has made all the difference. I’ve learned that I struggle so much with wanting to feel in control of my life and having children by a certain age is definitely something that I’ve tried to control.
To summarize quickly, after lots of fertility medicine and a few IUIs along with switching to a new fertility doctor, I found out that I had severe endometriosis and had surgery in December of 2016. I had no idea and found out that my pain tolerance is extremely high. I didn’t really want anyone to know about that surgery because I assumed that once people knew it was because I had endometriosis then they would automatically assume we were trying to get pregnant. Our parents didn’t even know at this point because we had dreamed of ideas on how to surprise them with a pregnancy announcement. While I was still in recovery, the doctor told Dustin that she wasn’t expecting my endometriosis to be so bad and that she honestly felt like IVF would be our best option to get pregnant. December was a very hard month for me. Recovery from surgery was rough and then being faced with the news that getting pregnant naturally would be extremely difficult was a lot to deal with that month. We finally told our families and close friends after Christmas.
One thing God has blessed us with through infertility is that our faith has grown tremendously. Knowing that the only lasting joy comes through Christ and resting in the biblical truths of God have been the only things that have made this suffering bearable. Once Dustin and I were referred to our first fertility doctor, our prayer was for God to give us clarity in the direction He wanted us to take. I prayed that prayer all the time, and after my follow up surgery visit with my current doctor, we felt a calm in choosing the path of IVF. Even starting IVF and during IVF I was still praying for clarity and wisdom.
We were supposed to start my IVF meds late February to give my body time to heal from surgery, but it wouldn’t cooperate and I didn’t get to start until late April. What I didn’t know about IVF is that you begin birth control for a few weeks to suppress your hormones before beginning the shots that are supposed to ramp up your hormones.
My first round of IVF meds began late April and were stopped on Day 8 because my body wasn’t responding to the meds like they were supposed to. That was upsetting to both Dustin and I because based on the calendar they gave us, I would be pregnant over Mother’s Day and have my actual blood test confirmation a few days after. Obviously that was something I was excited about, and I was devastated when the doctor cancelled my round. That Mother’s Day was hard for me and I’m so thankful that Dustin took that day off of work so that I wouldn’t have to be alone. Dustin has been the best supporter and encourager throughout this entire journey, and I know that I couldn’t do it without him by my side.
My shot each night for stim meds
I was put back on birth control and given my next calendar which had me starting my new meds on July 2. Because I went up on my dosage over double, I had to be extremely careful. I couldn’t do anything to jar my pelvis because I was at a high risk of twisting my ovaries. Dustin drew up and administered my shots so I never worried about anything (this may be the only time I’ve ever been thankful for his type 1 diabetes! Thankful the Lord prepared him in advance to give all of my shots!). All of my stim meds were administered in my stomach and by the time we had finished all of those, I had bruises all over my stomach from the meds.
My stomach is swollen because my ovaries are so huge.
My poor body was bruised and beaten up but I’ve realized that you’ll go through anything for what you want.
My first check up showed that my follicles (the sacs inside your ovaries that contain the eggs) weren’t growing again like they were supposed to. I cried at that visit because it was the exact same thing that had happened the previous round. But it was Dustin who pointed me to Christ and told me to trust that God was sovereign over that moment. (See, I married a really amazing man!) My next appointment was on a Sunday morning at 7:30 AM and my mom went with me. That appointment confirmed that my body was doing what it should and that my follicles were growing.
Going through our retrieval checklist while Dustin preps my trigger shot
trigger shot
Once we found out that my body had made it, we then scheduled egg retrieval for July 13. I was so nervous. Dustin had to give me my trigger shot 36 hours before and it’s intramuscular. I had to battle the fear of the trigger shot not working correctly and there not being any eggs to retrieve. Worry and control are things I have to really work on, and it’s really been pointed out to me during our struggle with infertility. The retrieval went great and we ended up with 3 embryos….3 babies.
Ready for retrieval!
Since the meds I had been on were so strong, my doctor had originally planned for us to do a frozen embryo transfer because my body would need time to calm down hormonally. But since my body did great, she scheduled a fresh transfer 5 days after retrieval. Dustin and I decided together not to tell anyone about this. IVF robs a couple of the ability to surprise their friends and families with a pregnancy. We knew that this would be our chance to still surprise everyone.
The transfer was on July 18 and we chose to transfer 2 embryos. It went exactly as it should and once Dustin and I made it back to the car, I burst into tears because at that point, I was pregnant for the first time. I stared at the picture of our babies and was so thankful to God that He brought us that far. One of the things I’ve really learned through suffering with infertility is that you have to have good theology if you’re going to survive. Throughout this entire process I’ve rested in the truth that God is good always—in the dark times and in the joyous times. He’s good and He never changes even when our circumstances and plans change.
We had just arrived to the hospital before our embryo transfer. We were so excited to become parents!
This was taken right before we were taken back for the embryo transfer.
Our pregnancy test bloodwork was scheduled for Thursday, July 27. I’ve read that most women who go through IVF take home pregnancy tests before but since the days before our appointment were Dustin’s birthday and then our anniversary, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. I woke up on our anniversary, July 26th, with spotting. I knew at that moment that I wasn’t pregnant. I was devastated. I cried a lot that day—I mourned the loss of our two babies while feeling incredibly guilty that Dustin had to rearrange our anniversary plans that he had made because I couldn’t make it in public. I wanted that day to be a happy day, but I just couldn’t do it. The next morning we had an appointment in Huntsville for my bloodwork. I woke up feeling okay and inside I was hoping that I was wrong—that I was pregnant. We got the call that afternoon and I made Dustin answer the phone. After he told me I wasn’t pregnant, I immediately became angry. Angry that I was right the day beforehand, angry that my body was betraying me yet again, and angry that we couldn’t have the children we constantly prayed for while so many women around me got pregnant so easily. I did not want to read my Bible that night or pray, but I did ask God to not let my heart harden from this experience.
Our two precious babies–at that moment, I was pregnant and we were so very happy
Infertility is hard. It’s hard when you want something so bad, but you know that it wasn’t in God’s timing—but He is still good. Even when I don’t feel it (and I didn’t when I found out we weren’t pregnant), I still KNOW and that’s the most important thing. I’ve learned that it’s okay to allow myself to feel angry and upset because the Psalms are filled with people crying out to God in their suffering, but those same Psalms also end with praising God for His goodness and grace. I allowed myself the 27th to be angry, and then when I woke up the next morning, God had given me a new day. My ultimate purpose here on this Earth is to glorify God and to enjoy Him forever. That is my focus. And although Dustin and I still hurt from losing 2 babies, in a way we’ve become thankful for our suffering. Our marriage has grown, our relationships with the Lord have grown, and we’re going to be so much better parents because we know the purpose of our parenting—to point our children toward Christ. I can see that God is shaping us and preparing us, and even though the wait is hard and painful and we don’t understand why, we trust in Him.
This is just a small glimpse into the struggle of infertility that we’re dealing with currently. I hope to share our entire story at a later time. Please, please pray for us as we long to be parents. Pray for our wisdom in the decisions we make and pray that we keep our eyes focused on Christ. Above all, I hope that you see God’s goodness in our story. This Bible verse has been one that I constantly repeat to myself: “You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on you, because he trusts in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord God is an everlasting rock.” Isaiah 26: 3-4
