adoption

Wow. Where to begin–our journey to Banks has God’s hand written all over it. He was so good to us during Harrison’s adoption, and once again, God was so gracious to us in Banks’s adoption. **Be warned: this story is long!

Let’s start at the very beginning….

About 2 weeks ago, I was complaining to my small group just about how hard the wait to be matched in our adoption process was really starting to weigh on me. No one was choosing us to be matched with them, and while I thought the wait would be so much easier this time around, it was the exact opposite. I was so ready to see Harrison become a big brother and to hold a little baby that the wait was eating at me.

I prayed a lot asking God to help my heart trust in Him. I had seen him work a miracle with Harrison, but I quickly became just like the Israelites–so easy to forget.

On Wednesday, January 11th, I had checked my email at school and saw that we had received two cases of expectant moms (EM). I had been keeping a record, and at that point, those two cases brought us to 24 total cases we’d seen since we went active on October 4th. Like I always did, I texted Dustin to check his email since he was at work. His reply was “Yes to both.” I replied back yes to both but one stood out to me in particular (this was Banks’s case) because of the type of adoption desired–it was an open adoption just like Harrison’s. On this email, I replied back to Stacey (the woman over all of the Texas agencies and the one who personally worked with us on Harrison’s adoption) that we say yes but to also pass along that we are supportive of the adoption desired. She replied back that I should write a note, so that’s exactly what I did. Later that evening, I wrote a little note about all of that and sent it to Stacey. Both EMs were receiving all profile info the following day on the 12th. I’ve learned that we also know by the next day if we aren’t chosen or if the EM has narrowed it down to other families.

I woke up on the 13th and had some anxiety I battled at school that day. I just had a feeling that I couldn’t explain. We got the email that the first EM chose someone else, and funnily enough, I wasn’t disappointed. During 6th period that day, we got an email about Banks’s EM that she had narrowed it down to 3 families and we were one of them! I have a very nervous stomach so I immediately felt sick to my stomach–I could not believe it! Also, the baby was due in a week, so even more nervousness!!

That was on a Friday, so on Saturday I woke up feeling like we would get an answer. I also had this nagging feeling that I wanted to communicate something in particular to this expectant couple and I wasn’t sure if our profile communicated that clearly. I thought about writing another note to send to them but also felt like it was overkill. And I knew Dustin would probably say I was being overbearing–but he was also at work LOL. I battled this feeling all morning and decided that if I didn’t hear anything by 1pm, that I would write the note and email it to Stacey. 1pm rolled around–I didn’t hear anything–so I wrote the note. Stacey sent it and then I didn’t hear anything the rest of the day.

Sunday we left church after the 1st hour because Harrison had an accident and on the way home, Stacey called me saying that the couple wanted to talk to us on the phone and ask us a few questions. She said their case manager Jennifer would call us later to set it all up.

We ended up setting up a phone call with them Monday, January 16th after Harrison went to bed. It turns out that the note I sent on Saturday was exactly the answer to a question they had about us. She said the first note checked off one thing on their list, our profile checked off another, but the note literally answered the last question they had. I fully believe that feeling I had was from the Holy Spirit and I am so glad I listened! Their case manager said they’d made a decision by that night or the next day for sure.

Well, that Tuesday I went all day with SILENCE. It wasn’t until after dinner we got a call telling us they had picked us!! They thought it was understood after our phone call that they picked us, but the case manager wanted them to say it, so she was waiting on them Tuesday for that. We scheduled a zoom for the next night so we could talk on camera. Also, the EM had a doctor’s appointment the next morning to hopefully schedule her c-section for that Thursday, so needless to say, I was anxious again. haha

Wednesday night came and we zoomed with them, and while I might have been nervous at first, our conversation flowed so easily that after our allotted 40 minute time block, we scheduled another one for the next night. (We also found out that the c-section was scheduled for the following Tuesday, January 24th)

We zoomed with them again on Thursday night and we talked for over an hour. They are so easy to talk to and really enjoyable people that I love that we got to build a relationship with each other.

We scheduled our flights for late Sunday night so we could make sure we got to Dallas in time to have dinner with them in person Monday night before the c-section. (I also want to note that the case worker was going out of town Tuesday-Thursday night so this placement would have been quicker if she had been there)

Dustin and I woke up on Tuesday anxious to get to the hospital. We lounged around our hotel until we ate lunch and then headed to the hospital. We sat in the labor and delivery waiting room waiting on the expectant father to let us know when it was okay to come back. Once again, the wait was hard. I read a book to keep my mind off things. Soon, the birth father texted us pictures of Banks right after he was born and it was amazing to see. (Another reason I love Banks’s birth parents is how thoughtful and considerate they were even when I knew how hard all of this was for them.). We waited a couple more hours and he came to get us to bring us back to the recovery room where we met Banks for the first time. It was just us, Banks, and his birth parents.

The hospital she gave birth at was so welcoming to us as adoptive parents that they gave us our own room on the L&D floor and the birth mom kept the hospital bracelet designed for the father for me to wear. We went to get settled in our room and a little bit later, the birth father brought Banks because he knew we wanted some alone time with him.

We took Banks back to them for the night. The next day around lunch, he brought us Banks and told us it that day was our turn. Banks stayed with us for that night in our room.

The next day was discharge day. Texas law states that birth moms can’t sign the termination of their parental rights until 48 hours after birth. Since our case manager was out of town, we couldn’t get those papers signed until the next day so his birth mom was going to sign a paper releasing him to us from the hospital–but she could still change her mind until those papers were signed, so obviously we were nervous. (I think memories of that failed match before Harrison’s birth still lingered.)

We had taken Banks back to their room that morning for a few hours for them to say goodbye, and right before discharge, we went to go get him from their room to bring him back to ours. We also wanted to get them the presents we had gotten them. This is where adoption is so hard and complicated. The emotions I felt in that room watching them say goodbye to him one last time were all over the place. Of course I was happy for us, but then at the same time my heart hurt for them so badly. It’s a reminder that adoption is born out of tragedy, and when you think about our own adoption by God, that was paid for by the death of Jesus on the cross–the beauty and the pain intermingled.

We were discharged from the hospital and anxiously awaited the next day. They were meeting at lunch to sign. We were praying consistently–our families were praying–and so were our friends. More than ever did I need to remind myself of the truths about God–He is good; He only does good things; His timing is perfect. We didn’t hear anything so after 2pm I texted our case worker because I was terrified that they had changed their mind. She texted back stating that she’d forgotten to let us know but that they moved it back because she was with another baby that had just been born. I lost it. I was already emotionally on edge, but now since it was going to be Friday afternoon, it was too late for our adoption paperwork to get sent to the state office in Texas–meaning we’d be stuck in Texas longer and away from Harrison longer.

We left the hotel to get out and drive around and it was on our way back that we got the text that they had signed papers. Relief immediately washed over me–it’s a hard feeling being with a baby that technically isn’t yours yet and knowing the birth parents could still decide to parent the baby. While I didn’t think that would happen, there’s always a chance until it’s official. What was supposed to be a 48 hour wait turned into something like 76 hours for us. A true test of our faith.

Now we are waiting on Texas to look over all of our home study and adoption paperwork to clear us, and then (stereotypically so behind) they have to physically mail it to Alabama to look over….unlike all the other states who are digital. We plan on eating dinner with his birth parents again before we leave. We love them so much. We admire them tremendously, and they are such lovable people that I’m thankful the Lord has interwoven our lives together forever now.

Sweet Banks Haddon Eddy Shaneyfelt :). Banks is a boy name that Dustin and I both love. Haddon is Charles Spurgeon’s middle name and he’s a theologian we both admire. We asked his birth parents to give him a middle name and Eddy has a special meaning for them. Both of our boys have names with special meanings!

Soli Deo Gloria!

Also we still have a little more fundraising to do! If you’re local, we’re raffling off the beef package from my mom and stepdad’s farm, so you can see details on our Facebook pages (we’re going to push the date back until we get home). If not, you can always donate to either our PayPal or Venmo: @DustinShaneyfelt

Happy Monday, y’all! I hope y’all had a less stressful weekend than we did watching Alabama play Texas on Saturday–it took a few years off my life and I had to listen to Dustin (and Harrison) yell at the tv haha!

It feels like it’s been forever since we announced our adoption of baby #2, so today’s post will be long just in case some new people are here since we went through the adoption process the first time. Make sure you stick around for the t-shirt info at the bottom!!

Why are we adopting again?

After Dustin and I had been married for a year exactly, we discussed when we were having children and we both decided to wait. Something like 6 weeks later, we randomly talked about it again and both had a change of heart haha! I assumed it would take a few months to get pregnant and I was totally fine with that because I still was in grad school and wouldn’t finish my master’s degree until the following May.

It turns out it was a lot more difficult than I thought.

Long story short, my gynecologist was proactive in getting me help and I am so thankful for that! After trying 6 months of unsuccessful trials of Clomid and Femara with her, she sent me to a fertility doctor. After a few IUIs and tests with him, I had a bad feeling one appointment and left telling Dustin I was not going back to see him and felt like we needed to find another doctor. This took me to my last fertility doctor in Birmingham and she was a Godsend! Our first appointment was so thorough with her and she wanted to do a blood test that if it came back in a certain range, it would most likely mean I had endometriosis–although you can’t officially diagnose that until you have surgery to find it.

Well, it came back in that range, so a surgery was scheduled quickly. It turned out that my endometriosis was so severe that she even had to call Dustin from the OR to ask permission to remove my appendix because the scar tissue had eaten it completely. It was really upsetting waking up finding out that on a scale of 1 to 4 of endometriosis, mine was the most severe at a 4. But it also weirdly gave me relief to admit that my periods were in fact, really terrible, and that I wasn’t just whining when I was so sick during the time of my period.

We met with her after I healed to discuss IVF and I remember her asking us how many children we wanted. Dustin said 2, but I said 3 :). She said her goal for me was to get me those children quickly because I needed a hysterectomy as quick as possible.

Once I started to take the fertility medicine in order to have an egg retrieval, I also realized that this wasn’t going to be as easy as I had thought it would be. My body didn’t respond the first round so they majorly upped my dosage of hormones. After that, I was at risk for ovarian torsion (your ovaries twisting…which is dangerous), so I had to take it easy and stay on bed rest after my egg retrievals–I ended up having 2.

My first embryo transfer was unsuccessful and we found that out on our anniversary–needless to say, I tried to put on a brave face and still go to dinner that night, but I ended up crying through dinner–not our happiest anniversary haha!

The second transfer was in December and we found out 2 days before Christmas that it was unsuccessful. It was during this process that I kept seeing all of these adoption stories pop up all over social media and the internet. I mean, ALL OVER. I would randomly be looking at a blog and read about some connection to adoption, or I would be scrolling on instagram and see an adoption story. It was at this point that I began to feel like adoption might be part of our story way sooner than we had planned. (We had discussed adoption vs fertility treatments but both felt led to fertility treatments first.). I joined Mix and Match Mama’s adoption Facebook group and started researching.

We still had one more embryo transfer to go through, so I had surgery the following January or February (I can’t remember?) to check on my endometriosis. It was really disheartening to learn that in less than a year, my endometriosis had come back in full force. So I had one more transfer and I WAS PREGNANT! I couldn’t believe it. We transferred two embryos and the nurse who called said my numbers were so strong and high that it had to be twins. I was so overjoyed that I deleted anything that had to do with adoption because in my heart I was like, “Okay God, now I’m pregnant, so I’m going this route right now, but thanks!”

When you go through IVF, you get to find out at 4 weeks if you’re pregnant. At week 9, I had miscarried and was scheduled to have a D&C. It was the saddest moment of my life going into surgery pregnant and waking up not pregnant.

A few month later, Dustin and I decided to start the adoption process. We began working on the paperwork in July. We were active by the end of September, and by November 2nd, we had been matched with a birth mom whose baby was due February 25th. She wanted a closed adoption (no contact), but my heart couldn’t handle her not knowing how important she was to us, so I sent her a note each Monday through our social worker.

On February 21, she changed her mind and decided to parent. We were beyond devastated. Dustin was worried about recouping the amount of money we had lost with her and I had already told my heart it was going to be months until we were matched again.

Well, God had other plans because on February 28th–literally one week exactly to the hour we got the bad news–we got pictures of a little boy who was born 12 hours earlier on February 27th. Our adoption specialist asked if we wanted to present our profile book to his birth parents and after stepping out on a leap of faith, we said YES!!! She told me they would have an answer the next day…a Friday.

That night I was eating popcorn for dinner since Dustin was in Birmingham watching high school basketball tournaments when our adoption specialist called me back and said WE HAD BEEN CHOSEN!!!! After probably asking her a million times if it was true and if the couple was going to change their minds–and with her reassuring me a million times, I rebooked our plane tickets to Texas and Dustin raced home for us to repack our suitcases and hop on a plane the next day to get to our baby…

When I look back at our story, I see God’s sovereignty and His hand all over it. Our experiences with infertility made me lean into the Lord like I never had to before. He was my strength, and my hope in Him was the only thing to get me out of bed on the hard days. Our struggle with infertility also brought Dustin and I together and strengthened our marriage. He was the one who took care of me, gave me all of my hundreds of shots, and held me when I cried. I learned to find joy in the waiting and to enjoy the times that were just Dustin and me. BUT infertility also brought me to my baby, Harrison, and I wouldn’t change that for anything. I don’t regret the hard parts or the waiting or the bad news and setbacks because ultimately, God knew that Harrison was our baby and He had ordained that before our days. God’s plans for our family weren’t the same as what mine were, but God’s plans are always better and I see that now.

We so strongly desire to give Harrison a sibling that he can grow up with and hopefully become great friends with–both Dustin and I have siblings and we cherish those relationships. But my body can’t do what it was created to do, and while that still weighs heavily on me even today, our desire is to grow our family through the gift of adoption. But we can’t do it alone.

We Are The Village T-shirts!!

We chose this t-shirt design because of the popular saying that it takes a village to raise a child. We also learned during Harrison’s adoption that it also takes a village to adopt–so many people prayed for us, donated financially, fed us, and bought baby gifts. We want those who help us to have ownership in our story and know that YOU are the village!!

If you’d like to buy one, email me at saraheshaneyfelt@gmail.com and I’ll let you know what to do.

Youth XS – Adult XL = $20 each

Adult 2X-3X = $23 each

How else can you support us?

First, please be praying for us. A few things we need prayer for are continuing to trust in God during this process. It’s easy to doubt and worry. We also need prayer for funding that God would provide ways–donations, grants, and access to low interest loans. Please pray for the woman who will end up choosing us. I pray for her heart to be at peace with her decision now and forever. Please also pray for her health and our future baby’s health.

You can also donate to our adoption account!

Venmo: @DustinShaneyfelt

Paypal: @DustinShaneyfelt (please select friends and family!)

Adoption Update!

We are home study approved and our profile book is complete. I submitted both of those a month ago to our adoption agency and they sent me a list of a few extra things they are requiring this time. I just completed and sent in Part 1 and am over halfway done with Part 2–I haven’t had as much free time with school starting back and with an active 3 year old LOL! I cannot wait to announce when we are active and ready to match!!

This was definitely not the blog post I had planned today–I was planning on recapping my trip to a women’s conference in Indianapolis, but this feels more important to me.

I feel like adoption is becoming more and more common in America, yet the language surrounding adoption conversations is still so backward that I feel like it does more harm than good. For those of you who are new to my blog, we adopted Harrison in 2019. (If you want to read more, scroll down on my blog and on the right under categories, click on adoption.). Because adoption wasn’t something that was openly talked about growing up, I had no idea about the language surrounding adoption until we started to look into adoption for ourselves and I started reading anything and everything adoption related. And once I became a mother who adopted her son, I found this to be EXTREMELY important–especially if I want Harrison to know (and feel) how valued and loved he is.

Here’s why I’m talking about all of this:

We went out to eat Sunday after church for Father’s Day. We were sat at the bar and two older ladies sat down beside us. They asked how old he was and then one lady asked a very insensitive question that shocked me so much. For one, I’m so glad Harrison had no idea what she was asking, but I also realize that won’t last for long. I want to do everything to protect him.

I understand that Harrison looks nothing like me and Dustin. He’s Hispanic and his race is something that we celebrate and praise God for because in our differences, we get to witness God’s creativity in his creation. (And I actually have two books that I recommend for reading that discuss this: God Made Me and You and God’s Very Good Idea and even if you do not have a transracial family, this is something so important to read to your kids–or husband– to teach how beautiful God’s creation is!!!). But I forget that Harrison looks different than us because I just see my baby whom I love so much.

So here are a few things I want to remind everyone because when you really think about it, we’re all made in the image of God–which means we are image bearers–and so we should ALL be treated with respect and love….and that includes the way we approach and talk to people.

-if you ask an appropriate question about the adoption, remember to refer to it in the PAST TENSE. It happened once and is in the past. For example, we ADOPTED Harrison when he was born, not that Harrison IS adopted.

-don’t refer to the birth mom as the “real” mom if you ask a question (which you really shouldn’t because you want to respect the child’s story). I can’t tell you the amount of people who have said something about Harrison’s “real” mom and I quickly reminded them that I am Harrison’s real mom, but the correct term is birth mom. (or real parents = birth parents)

-one of the frequent questions we get is “Why did Harrison’s birth mom give him up?” I’m sure if people really stopped to think about what they just said and how it would make Harrison feel by hearing it, they would rephrase it. But I think the term “GIVE UP” is so normalized in societies where adoption isn’t talked about that people think it’s the right term. His birth mom didn’t give him up, she PLACED him for adoption. Do you see how that changes the connotation from negative to positive?

-don’t ask personal questions about the child’s story. I am open to answering questions about the adoption process, but when it comes to Harrison’s story, I want to protect that as much as I can until he’s old enough to decide if he wants to share it or not, but it’s his choice.

-I know people mean well, but it’s also not really nice to say things like “Harrison is so lucky to have y’all as his parents” because actually we are the lucky ones (and remember that adoption begins with brokenness) or “You know what’s going to happen, now you’re going to get pregnant!” I actually had someone say that to me and it made it sound like getting pregnant was the goal and not only did I feel like that could have been hurtful if Harrison heard and understood, but it also hurt me because I still grieve over what my body cannot do. I ended up making the person who made that comment feel uncomfortable for saying that 🙂

Moral of the story: Words are important. They can build up or they can tear down. I try to show grace to people and remember to love my neighbor as myself (Mark 12:31), but I’m also human and can get my feelings hurt or can get mad if I feel like my child has been offended. Before you say something, please educate yourself on correct language or just don’t say anything at all.

And since we’re in the process to adopt baby #2, you can donate to our adoption fund if you feel led! Here’s how you can help:

PayPal: If you would like to give to our adoption account  using PayPal, after you choose the “Send Money” option, enter in this email address: dshaneyfelt@gmail.com (or @DustinShaneyfelt) and click Next.  Make sure you choose the “Friends and Family” option on the following page so there aren’t any fees associated with your donation.

Venmo: If you would like to give to our adoption account on Venmo, send to @DustinShaneyfelt or dshaneyfelt@gmail.com (Both of these are set up to our adoption account)

We have our first home study visit set up for this weekend, and I’ll be glad to get that checked off the list 🙂

If you read this long, thank you! I know I rambled and there is so much more to say on this topic, but it’s been on my mind since Sunday and I really feel like more people need to be educated on it.